A young vicar is giving his first sermon and nervously consults an older priest for advice.
'Well,' the older priest says. 'First, be yourself. Second, you know that glass of water I sip from during my sermons? Well, it's not water. It's gin. Get yourself a tumbler of straight gin to calm your nerves while you're talking.'
So the young vicar does his sermon, quaffing from this huge tumbler the whole time he's speaking. Afterwards, he asks the older priest what he thought.
'You had a natural authority and you held the congregation's attention,' said the older priest. 'Just three things.
'Don’t tear up your notes and throw them at the congregation when you've finished.
'Walk down the stairs from the pulpit; don't slide down the banister.
'David slew Goliath. He didn't "knock seven bells out of him".
'Oh, and his sling was full of shot."