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Maureen Lipman’s poem on her birthday

Blog | By Maureen Lipman | May 09, 2021

By Joey Gannon

ON THE OCCASION OF MY ? BIRTHDAY

FAKE NEWS, FAKE NEWS! IT’S GOING LIVE!

THEY’RE SAYING THE DAME IS SEVENTY FIVE!

TAKE AWAY THE YEAR OF HER BIRTH, MINUS ELEVEN

THE REVERSE IS TRUE- SHE’S FIFTY SEVEN!

CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE

THIS RUMOUR IS A BIG FAT LIE!

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY HAS NO CONNOTATIONS

I GET OVER- EXCITED BY VACCINATIONS.

.

BECAUSE MY BIRTH WAS IN ‘FORTY SIX

WHEN A YOYO WAS HOW YOU GOT YOUR KICKS,

AND VIMTO AND VIROL WERE YOUR REGULAR FIX

AND YOU NEVER CHECK’D TIMES FOR YOUR LOCAL FLICKS

FAKE NEWS? YES I’M PART OF THE BABY BOOM

BUT I MUST BE YOUNG ‘COS I’VE MASTERED ZOOM.

I CAN WATCH THE REPAIR SHOP WITHOUT BLUBBING

BUT FOR COVID19 I’D BE OUT THERE CLUBBING.

MY EYES ARE BRIGHT, I’VE STILL GOT A TWINKLE

REGARD MY NECK. DO YOU SEE A WRINKLE? …..(should have gone to Specsavers ?)

IF MY BOSOM’S NOT PERT AND THERE’S ROLLS ON MY TUM

DO I RUSH TO SHOVE BOTOX INTO MY BUM?

BUGGER MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION

JOE WICKS AND COLONIC IRRIGATION….

AFTER GUIDO AND JACK, WHO’S GONNA MAKE PASSES

AT A DAME IN A MASK WITH STEAMED UP GLASSES?

BUT CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO LIVE

SOMETHING SOON MAY HAVE TO GIVE.

SHOULD I LEAVE THE STAGE AND DO SOMETHING NEWISH?

IS IT TIME I STOPPED BEING QUITE SO JEWISH?

FOR NOW, I’M JUST THANKING GOD ABOVE

FOR THIS ELBOW-KISS DAY WITH FRIENDS I LOVE

A WALK, A LAUGH, SOME HEALTHY EATERS

A JUG OF WINE AND THEENEATH PATIO HEATERS.

FINALLY A FAKE NEWS QUESTION -

I’M AFRAID IT’S RATHER WEIGHTY -

WILL YOU TOAST ME AGAIN IN 2026,

WHEN THE BASTARDS SAY I’M EIGHTY?